a while..

it has been a while since the last post.. lots have happened and the general consensus is, things have not been great.. a lot of changes in the last few months that i need some time out to actually soak it all in.. tired..

hopefully this forthcoming break will do some wonders.. just a bit tired out..

你在我在

人生好奇怪。 。時好時壞，有起有落。 。很難去猜它的意義。 。

最近，工作上壓力變大。 。一進辦公室就開始緊張。 。那新上任的上司就把我搞的透不過氣來。 。組管也被他搞得騰騰轉。 。所以，也能在這樣的壓力中度過。 。

在私生活中，愛情。 。空白。 。我的他，你在哪裡？ ？

家裡的部分，那個不知道要講啥。 。也不太想跟父母多講，因為怕他們會逼我結婚。 。真的不想面對那個。 。

事業，看不清楚。 。

這種沒方向的感覺不好受。 。

要為知己找那個出路。 。

i don't..

i don't ask because i don't want to intrude on your privacy.. i do care and i do want to know how things are.. but since you are not forthcoming about your situation, i just don't want to appear too busybody..

i don't say encouraging things because i don't know what to say.. sometimes i think humor is the best way to tell you that i do care, but i don't know if you feel that way too.. behind the humor is my true intention.. that i actually want to tell you that if you need me, i am there..

i don't want to appear i care so i act nonchalant.. actually i don't know what is the definition of our relationship.. that is why i act all goofy.. perhaps i am reading too much into something that is not..

i don't feel grounded because i became dependent.. and when things change, i went out of sorts..

i don't know what is going on..
i don't feel fine..
i don't want to deal with this..
i don't.. just i don't..

work and more work..

of late, work is piling up.. suddenly, a lot of things are thrown at me and i don't know if that is on purpose..

 

i have been feeling a bit depressed.. not really due to work pressures, but rather outside of work.. or rather, what is lack of outside of work..

 

things are moving to unfamiliar territories, and in some way i am a bit frightened.. work is evolving into something that involves a lot of things that i am trying to cope..

 

then there is this other thing.. something i put effort into but i feel slipping away from me.. i think this bothers me the most, and it effects my performance.. i feel moody each day if i go without.. and i don't know if i'll be able to snap out of it.. i know it is not a good thing to try to hold on, but i guess that is beyond what i can control.. i do turn to prayer sometimes, but i don't know if these are the things prayers can sort out..

 

i think generally it is life, on how it suddenly gives you that pressure that you try to ignore.. life sneaking up on you.. been feeling like this for a while and written countless times about it..

 

just taking a break from work to jot down some sudden feelings.. just tired out, i guess..

 

i miss.. really miss..

放下..

「無論對於什麼樣困難的事情都要去面對、去接受, 去處理，然後把它放下」~~ 林青霞

here you come again..

it is fathers' day today.. it sort of ties in with the movie, Patrik aged 1,5..



actually i don't know how to feel on this day too.. and on mothers' day.. the truth is that these days just remind you that there is a distance that is slowly growing bigger..

when that day comes, i guess..

2

it is just two people.. nothing more simple than that...

每次被問到什麼時候要派請貼，就只能用微笑帶過。。 也不知道要裝到何時。。 如果還在這裡的話，恐怕要很久很久。。

有沒有伴侶不是問題，是怎麼答那個問題才是重點。。

得努力工作，如果可以有機會離開的話， 可能很多的問題可以不用去做答覆。。

所以，暫時就要有很好的回答技巧。。

since you are away..

since you have been "away", things have felt... STILL..
maybe it is over-thinking, over-analyzing..
maybe it is a bit of insecurity..
perhaps it is just being uncertain..
of how things will move on.. how to move on..
and perhaps just thinking..
a bit too much..

a little worried..

just a tad worried about work's new arrangement..

hopefully it is all for nothing..

seems to start to feel a bit under pressure lately.. the new work arrangement has certainly contributed towards it..

hopefully i can sleep as well.. if i were him, i would probably not sleep at all, looking like that..

confused 2..

這首歌滿不錯的。 。歌詞也很有意識。 。
。。。。。。。。。。
張智成<<暗戀>>

詞曲：彭學斌@口袋音樂

四目交接的時候 不要停留太久
適可而止的問候 關心不能太過
好奇也別去探索 妒嫉只能深鎖
如果忍不住寂寞 也不能對你說

啊好朋友啊我的好朋友
不小心的沉默 不想讓你太難過

我們就站在落地窗的兩邊
就算觸碰也有了界限
如果跨越過彼此那道邊界
是靠近還是更遙遠

相信我們走到另一個境界
搭肩高唱友誼萬萬歲
要是我愛你變成了語言
什麼會多一些 什麼會少一些

就讓別人去猜測 我們清白的很
就讓自己去承受 那種清白的悶
就算我只是朋友 能不能有要求
如果會發生什麼 也是我想太多

啊好朋友就只是好朋友
不小心說出口 微笑中藏著難過

我們就站在落地窗的兩邊
就算觸碰也有了界限
如果跨越過彼此那道邊界
是靠近還是更遙遠

你會不會也曾閃過這感覺
一念之間就要差一點
要是我愛你變成了利劍
什麼會被消滅 什麼才能復原

那是我的底線 繼續將你暗戀

confusing..

suddenly, things are so confusing..
don't know what's going on..
sometimes, things feel OK
but others, things seem a bit jumbled out..
can't make heads or tails of it..

let's start from there..

不知不覺， 跟frinskie也“認識”兩年了。。 時間過的好快。。 記得那時，兩個男生都快垮掉了。。 因為達飛機的關係，整晚沒睡，就等check-in的時間。。

從那之後， 也過了兩個春節。。 兩個人的生日。。 等等。。

沒想到做了兩三天的旅遊室友就變成可以談心事的朋友。。可能那就是緣份。。

其實，去參加那次所舉辦的大型旅遊團，也沒想到會有那麼大的收穫。。

所以，就很珍惜這段友情。。 畢竟，可以叫知己的沒幾個。。 可以遇到那個了解你的人是奇蹟把。。 frinskie 朋友。。 謝謝。。 我們再接再厲把。。友誼萬歲。。

認輸...

原來自已不聰明　原來什麼都沒有

原來應該瞭解的道理　現在才知道

原來輸給了世界　原來輸給了自已

原來錯在不承認失敗　誰可以原諒我...

and yet it hurts..

sometimes, a nonchalant answer is more hurtful than saying hurtful things out loud.. 

習慣是很可怕的事。。

太習慣某些事， 某些食物， 某些地方，某些味道，某些人， 某些習慣。。 真的很可怕。。 

好像，改了個什麼的， 就渾身不對勁的。。不自在的。。 

太過依賴了。。 

以前的那些，也只能當做回憶了。。

"當想找人傾吐自己的內心話, 承認自己的失敗; 
當只想緊緊的抱著人; 當想找人撒嬌或是被撒嬌;
想看對方滿足地吃著自己弄的早餐...."

其實這樣的情境，不難達成，只要找個跟你有相同想法的人，

只是這個過程不知道要花多少時間？

如果你是假的

好像大家都在改變。。 氣候在變，人情世故在改。。世界政治也在改改改。。急病也無界限了。。這回，改到有點認不出來了。。

是這樣嗎？好希望都照舊。。

可人的眼睛是張在前頭的。。 就是要我門往前看。。

變了就變了。。 沒辦法。。

也不能太過要求。。 一切都隨緣吧。。

tolerated..

in singapore, it was announced that the official stand was.. "gays are tolerated to live their lives.. but prohibited from fighting for rights, similar to the western world.."

to be honest, from the standpoint of a gay asian man.. this is, for the time being, acceptable.. sometimes, what the west is doing has hurt the development of acceptance and integration in the east..

granted, every human being wants to have his/her relationship recognized, but here in the east, we know that is not an issue to be forced..

but tolerance is not acceptance.. it might not be the best solution, but for the current situation, the better solution.. at least in singapore, there is acknowledgment of gays..

in my lifetime, i don't know if i'd see a broader acceptance.. do i want to live out my existence in secret, probably not.. but choices are limited sometimes..

forcing it on society?? actually, that is not something that can be done overnight.. it will take time.. and perhaps, one day in the future that time will come..

in the meantime.. take this as a small victory.. hopefully there will be other small victories.. remember, a war is not won on one big epic fight, but through little consistent victories throughout...

i get it..

OK, i get it..

i will retreat..

life..

"Life is short.. so get out there, and GET YOURS !!"..

Jack Donaughy.. 30 Rock

proceed with caution..

with the latest development, i think i can only proceed with caution..

don't want that bond to be broken.. yet i need to take a step back, i guess..

as before.. giving space..

「春風沉醉的晚上」

"所有愛情都是正常的，無論同性戀或異性，只有接納這些關係世界才會更豐富多彩."

on the way..

there was this line in the episode of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER.. translated, it would sound..

"the person who i am to belong to.. he is on his way, as fast as he could.. so i just have to wait.. even though it might be a longer wait.."

how far to stand??

i wonder a bit, how far should i stand so that i am not in the way?

how much space should i give to people who are busy with the ritual of courtship?

happy mothers' day..

today is mothers' day.. not much celebration because my parents are traveling.. but the good news is that they are healthy, so that i am thankful..

but i think there is this gap that is widening.. of being filial yet distance.. it is not that i want to distance myself, but sometimes when you know that your parents are not going to accept or cannot accept the path you are choosing, then there is little to do..

i mean, i don't blame them.. it is not theirs to accept or reject.. they don't understand it all and actually, neither do i.. a lot of whys will be ask, but at the end is it really that important?

so i continue my role as a filial son, wishing above all my parents to remain healthy.. and that eventually the path that i am taking, they will want to stroll along with..

i don't prefer to dine alone..

i have been dining alone for a long while.. and it is not a choice.. it is because i have not choice, YET..



it's not that i mind the sitting alone, eating my meal quietly.. it is rather that i think it is time to have that HIM opposite me.. to share a meal.. to talk.. to laugh.. to do things normal people would do in a social setting..

and not the "meal with a friend" type meal.. i mean.. meal with someone you genuinely care about..

as paula cole sung it well.. "I DON'T WANNA WAIT.. FOR OUR LIVES TO BE OVER.."

everything changes..

things are changing.. for the better?? probably..

sometimes, i don't like change.. familiarity is more comforting..

but we cannot dictate that.. changes will come.. we must be brave to accept it..

moving on..

it seems like the time has come for me to move on.. instead of standing still.. being nudged to move is a bit difficult, when i am quite accustomed to the current status quo.. but things are changing.. and i can't stand still..

it is getting a bit depressing.. but i think i need to be strong.. and trudge along bravely.. think less.. care less.. feel less..

instead of putting this energy into something that is never actually ever going to happen, i should wake up.. smell the roses, or coffee, or tea, or whatever that will wake me up from a fantasy that i had constructed in my mind.. and face the reality..

but the sad thing is.. the light is not bright here.. looking for a sign is not easy.. it's like lost at sea, looking for land.. spinning, and hallucinating that i have made land fold.. i haven't.. still adrift..

splash me awake.. make me see where i should be going..

i don't want to be marooned..

gaydar way off..

so this guy that i was holding a torch for all this time.. i found him on facebook..

a little background.. met him on a plane some years back.. talked and really hit it off while on the plane.. he gave me a number and email on a piece of paper.. unfortunately i left it in my jeans that was washed.. LOST..

then a year later.. i saw him again at a social gathering.. he gave me a number.. but he left soon after for work..

forward to today.. found him on facebook.. added him and his msn.. found out he was married.. with child too.. a bit heart broken.. really thought that he was a possibility.. my gaydar was way off..

nevermind.. i can't do much.. i can only use this phrase from a movie.. 祝福也是一種愛。。haha.. that is only to comfort myself.. it does feel hurt.. and a bit depressing..

persona non grata..

suddenly, i feel like a persona non grata.. left out in the cold.. perhaps it is my own doing.. over dependence..

i know it is not fair.. i will try to restrict my rantings.. my incessant need to be communicable.. to be connected.. i know i am not that connection that is wanted..

i will search for my own belonging.. somewhere..

stagnating..

feeling that everyone is moving on except me.. sometimes a bit envious of the people around me and that they could just move on so easily.. and that most time i am just stuck here, stagnating and not able to find that step to take..

i guess i believe in letting things be.. in time, everything will fall into place.. but as time passed by, worry sets in.. and when you just worry and think too much sometimes that it is preventing you from living out what you intended..

with passage of time, more responsibilities will come by.. it is not easy to maneuver through more complexity.. as you try to stay positive, the more you feel that there is more to weigh you down..

sometimes you do not know that you have crossed that line of co-dependence, or maybe you do not know that you have become more of a burden than of anything.. that putting all your outreach on just that person is not a healthy thing.. and it will make you feel dependent.. unable to severe that supposed link that you thought have been built.. and in the end feels separated..

i choose to believe my day will arrive.. but it is a tiring and most times, depressing wait.. but i guess i'll trudge along..

are you satisfied..

i was reading a post made by frinsky.. about whether we are satisfied with the current being.. and after processing it for a few days, i thought i would give my two cents..

i am satisfied for the most part.. but some parts i guess i am still looking for that reason to be satisfied.. a person, irrespective of his orientation, pursue different goals in life.. some goals are met easier than others.. and thus my argument for being satisfied with some things in life..

there are other things.. things that i probably have to work harder to achieve.. i am OK with the current status quo, but i do want that part of my life to not be an empty page..

so, satisfied in a way but looking for a 100% satisfaction..

a birthday afterthought..

so frinkie has become a year older than the year before somewhere this month.. while the feeling of being that year older is nothing new, the still-here but not yet paired, that is probably much more a bitter feeling..

each year, i make that resolution to step away and find that special person.. and i find that with each passing year, that has become a bit more difficult..

and with birthdays, i guess you just want to spend it with that special person, irrespective of where you're at.. the presents or the celebrations don't mean much.. it's spending it with someone who sees and loves you.. that is more important..

i don't want to be that tree.. stationary and keeps on adding rings to their trunks..

so i think i need to be resolute.. make those plans become reality.. move on..

if only.. if only..

we'll see..

新春前的心情

看着日历只剩两周农历新年就要来临了。手指算算看剩十来天我就要回乡过年了。为了不然母亲失望我每年都会回乡团圆让她老人家开心开心一下。

自从开始正式的坦诚面对及接受自己是同志的身份之后就发现好像与家人的感情似忽疏远了，也许这就是无心的逃避而造成的吧？家乡始终是个小地方而切同志的身份我想永远是不被接受的。终身大事的这个问题将是大家的关心焦点，每年都要想一大堆的理由来打发及逃避。还真的很烦，不过我还是能应付的还好吧我想。

我想我是不会以及没必要对家人公开我的身份，一是不想引起不必要的麻烦，二是不想无心的伤害他们。虽然我知道我并没有错，我有权力选择我的人生。只是这个社会说我们是错的。而事实是我根本没办法与异性共同度过下半生。现在网络那么发达家人也开始接触了网络，而我在一些同志网站也公开了照片及身份，如果有天真的然他们知道了也许那也是上天的安排只能希望他们的接受以及认同。

男人与男人之间的爱也是爱。我们只想可以和一个让我们觉得舒服的人相爱就这么简单。这张网络照让我很有feel，男人与男人的爱也可以这么的美。

祝所有的同志勇敢的面对自己及家人！

男人和男人做爱的十大原因

1.男人和男人做爱时互相插对方，彼此抽插，可创造一波又一波连续不断的性高潮。

2.男人之间彼此了解，知道自己的兴奋点在哪里，可以很好的刺激对方，达到高潮。

3.男人体力超强，耐力十足。两个男人做爱可以完成很多超级难的动作，获得高质量，高强度的快感。

4.男人不娇气，抗压能力强，任你狂抽没有问题，挑战性交极限。

5.男男做爱不用带避孕套，前提是良好的健康哦。这样彼此就可以得到摩擦带来的快感呢。

6.男男做爱可以随时随地，只要不要光天化日之下就可以了。

7.男人的肛门更加紧实，屁股更有弹性，抽插起来更舒服。

8.男人和男人做爱时，因为彼此都可以同时达到兴奋点，过程比较激烈，快感十足，而且男人特有的雄性会让彼此更加亲密。

9.男人和男人接吻其实是世界上最浪漫的吻。因为男人的稳重和成熟会让你感到这种吻的深处，以及回味无穷的魅力。

10.男人和男人之间做爱，会更加的彼此照顾。因为男人对性爱微妙的感觉与贴心的细心。

11.男人和男人之间做爱，会更有节奏感。