認輸...

原來自已不聰明　原來什麼都沒有

原來應該瞭解的道理　現在才知道

原來輸給了世界　原來輸給了自已

原來錯在不承認失敗　誰可以原諒我...

and yet it hurts..

sometimes, a nonchalant answer is more hurtful than saying hurtful things out loud.. 

習慣是很可怕的事。。

太習慣某些事， 某些食物， 某些地方，某些味道，某些人， 某些習慣。。 真的很可怕。。 

好像，改了個什麼的， 就渾身不對勁的。。不自在的。。 

太過依賴了。。 

以前的那些，也只能當做回憶了。。

"當想找人傾吐自己的內心話, 承認自己的失敗; 
當只想緊緊的抱著人; 當想找人撒嬌或是被撒嬌;
想看對方滿足地吃著自己弄的早餐...."

其實這樣的情境，不難達成，只要找個跟你有相同想法的人，

只是這個過程不知道要花多少時間？

如果你是假的

好像大家都在改變。。 氣候在變，人情世故在改。。世界政治也在改改改。。急病也無界限了。。這回，改到有點認不出來了。。

是這樣嗎？好希望都照舊。。

可人的眼睛是張在前頭的。。 就是要我門往前看。。

變了就變了。。 沒辦法。。

也不能太過要求。。 一切都隨緣吧。。

tolerated..

in singapore, it was announced that the official stand was.. "gays are tolerated to live their lives.. but prohibited from fighting for rights, similar to the western world.."

to be honest, from the standpoint of a gay asian man.. this is, for the time being, acceptable.. sometimes, what the west is doing has hurt the development of acceptance and integration in the east..

granted, every human being wants to have his/her relationship recognized, but here in the east, we know that is not an issue to be forced..

but tolerance is not acceptance.. it might not be the best solution, but for the current situation, the better solution.. at least in singapore, there is acknowledgment of gays..

in my lifetime, i don't know if i'd see a broader acceptance.. do i want to live out my existence in secret, probably not.. but choices are limited sometimes..

forcing it on society?? actually, that is not something that can be done overnight.. it will take time.. and perhaps, one day in the future that time will come..

in the meantime.. take this as a small victory.. hopefully there will be other small victories.. remember, a war is not won on one big epic fight, but through little consistent victories throughout...

i get it..

OK, i get it..

i will retreat..

life..

"Life is short.. so get out there, and GET YOURS !!"..

Jack Donaughy.. 30 Rock

proceed with caution..

with the latest development, i think i can only proceed with caution..

don't want that bond to be broken.. yet i need to take a step back, i guess..

as before.. giving space..

「春風沉醉的晚上」

"所有愛情都是正常的，無論同性戀或異性，只有接納這些關係世界才會更豐富多彩."

on the way..

there was this line in the episode of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER.. translated, it would sound..

"the person who i am to belong to.. he is on his way, as fast as he could.. so i just have to wait.. even though it might be a longer wait.."

how far to stand??

i wonder a bit, how far should i stand so that i am not in the way?

how much space should i give to people who are busy with the ritual of courtship?

happy mothers' day..

today is mothers' day.. not much celebration because my parents are traveling.. but the good news is that they are healthy, so that i am thankful..

but i think there is this gap that is widening.. of being filial yet distance.. it is not that i want to distance myself, but sometimes when you know that your parents are not going to accept or cannot accept the path you are choosing, then there is little to do..

i mean, i don't blame them.. it is not theirs to accept or reject.. they don't understand it all and actually, neither do i.. a lot of whys will be ask, but at the end is it really that important?

so i continue my role as a filial son, wishing above all my parents to remain healthy.. and that eventually the path that i am taking, they will want to stroll along with..

i don't prefer to dine alone..

i have been dining alone for a long while.. and it is not a choice.. it is because i have not choice, YET..



it's not that i mind the sitting alone, eating my meal quietly.. it is rather that i think it is time to have that HIM opposite me.. to share a meal.. to talk.. to laugh.. to do things normal people would do in a social setting..

and not the "meal with a friend" type meal.. i mean.. meal with someone you genuinely care about..

as paula cole sung it well.. "I DON'T WANNA WAIT.. FOR OUR LIVES TO BE OVER.."

everything changes..

things are changing.. for the better?? probably..

sometimes, i don't like change.. familiarity is more comforting..

but we cannot dictate that.. changes will come.. we must be brave to accept it..

moving on..

it seems like the time has come for me to move on.. instead of standing still.. being nudged to move is a bit difficult, when i am quite accustomed to the current status quo.. but things are changing.. and i can't stand still..

it is getting a bit depressing.. but i think i need to be strong.. and trudge along bravely.. think less.. care less.. feel less..

instead of putting this energy into something that is never actually ever going to happen, i should wake up.. smell the roses, or coffee, or tea, or whatever that will wake me up from a fantasy that i had constructed in my mind.. and face the reality..

but the sad thing is.. the light is not bright here.. looking for a sign is not easy.. it's like lost at sea, looking for land.. spinning, and hallucinating that i have made land fold.. i haven't.. still adrift..

splash me awake.. make me see where i should be going..

i don't want to be marooned..

gaydar way off..

so this guy that i was holding a torch for all this time.. i found him on facebook..

a little background.. met him on a plane some years back.. talked and really hit it off while on the plane.. he gave me a number and email on a piece of paper.. unfortunately i left it in my jeans that was washed.. LOST..

then a year later.. i saw him again at a social gathering.. he gave me a number.. but he left soon after for work..

forward to today.. found him on facebook.. added him and his msn.. found out he was married.. with child too.. a bit heart broken.. really thought that he was a possibility.. my gaydar was way off..

nevermind.. i can't do much.. i can only use this phrase from a movie.. 祝福也是一種愛。。haha.. that is only to comfort myself.. it does feel hurt.. and a bit depressing..

persona non grata..

suddenly, i feel like a persona non grata.. left out in the cold.. perhaps it is my own doing.. over dependence..

i know it is not fair.. i will try to restrict my rantings.. my incessant need to be communicable.. to be connected.. i know i am not that connection that is wanted..

i will search for my own belonging.. somewhere..